discrepancy

Ugh. I know it sounds weird but I feel totally overwhelmed but I know I can handle it, even if it gets messy or more stressful than it is right now.

My Grandmother (yes, the same one that just lost her husband of 60 years) had surgery earlier Friday morning but came through with flying colours. The docs were very happy with how everything went and I am grateful to them and all the staff at the hospital that has been treating her so well. Nonetheless, I’m still on edge. This week I practically stopped sleeping since I was obsessing over learning everything I would need to take care of her in the weeks to come. There will be a nurse visiting every day for the first week or so but it’s still a tad nervewracking to have this new responsibility.

I volunteered, mind you, but it’s weird. She took care of me all the time when I was a kid and it’s been so hard for me these past few weeks to see her and other family members so vulnerable. Before Grandpa’s funeral I had never seen her cry. Ever. I’m also extremely close with my great aunt and to help hold her up at the funeral while she cried that she should have been the one to go first basically ripped my guts out. No matter how brave you promise yourself you will be at the funeral home, there’s absolutely nothing that could have prepared me for that. My brother and I still hung on more than admirably and I only really cried when I said my final goodbye before the burial. I silently promised him that I’d really make something of my life and continue to make him proud and also that I’d take care of Grandma and my great aunt. I won’t let him down.

edit: I know I’ve been really sporadic and distant lately but it’s a fine line to walk between keeping the privacy of my family and trying to sort things out through writing like I usually do. I haven’t been able to look at a pen and paper pad lately. I’m under doctor’s orders to make some time for myself to get oot and aboot (or at least have some fun!) so I do plan on talking about the good stuff again next week :)